Brain Dump

Does your head ever get so full of details and ideas that you're afraid you'll forget something important? Happens to me all the time.

It happens with grocery items, work schedules, things to do, and so on. I'm sure we've all been there at one time or another. You desperately don't want to forget to stop at the bank, but what do you do? You drive home, passing the bank because you're completely preoccupied with what you're gonna wear to work tomorrow, or what you're gonna cook for dinner tonight.

For me, I often think of ideas for a blog post while I'm doing something else; while working is often the situation. The idea is brilliant! The post that everyone will love and subsequently tell me what a good writer I am. Then I get jolted back to reality by 105-3 needing analgesia. Poof! There goes my brilliant idea. Out of my head.

Despite jotting brief notes on my work notes (now there's another topic entirely!), the ideas never quite make it home. They get lost in my cavernous nurse's pockets and become forgotten long before the shift's end.

During routine daily activities at home or out on errands, another brilliant idea pops into my consciousness. Inevitably I'm nowhere near a pen and paper or in a situation where writing is likely not a wise choice, ie. never a good idea to write and drive.

My sort-of solution to this problem? During a quiet period in my home (remember that I live with a male toddler), when I've exhausted all other entertainment options, I grab an old fashioned data recording device and commence recording the ideas from my head. My data recording device is pen and paper (gasp!), a very useful way of recording ideas for future reference. Tonight I had some future post ideas on my mind; they are all neatly written down.

And, wouldn't you know it?! The ideas I wrote down spawned more ideas for posts, including this one.

"Brain Dump" is what I call this activity when I write down all the random to-do items, groceries, errands, and anything else that's on my mind. It's doubtful that I came up with this name on my own; more likely that I heard the expression somewhere and adopted it.

Regardless, I'm thinking that I should do this on a regular basis and not just when the mood strikes.

What do you do to help yourself remember things? How do you keep your brain from becoming overloaded with details?

To Protect This Heart

The name for this post just kind of randomly popped into my head while I was sitting here trying to decide what I felt like writing about.

I'm not quite sure where it came from, but I know what it means. It literally means "to protect my heart." Protect it from what, I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect it has to do with the opposite sex.

Its no secret that I'm divorced. But that is not the single causative issue for me to feel the need to protect myself. Before my ex-husband entered the picture there were numerous relationships, none of them good ones. And before that, there is a history of abuse that reaches back to childhood.

Every now and again these issues come back up and beg me to deal with them, so I deal with them as best as I know how and think I'm done with them for good. Each time its a bit longer till they come back to haunt me once more and each time they come back they demand less attention.  I continue to hope someday they'll stay gone for good.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into details about the past, I won't mention any names, and I won't point any fingers. Funny, the things that were done to me would be considered criminal offenses in this day and age. But in my younger years, I was blamed for what happened to me and simply told to "stay away from those boys" and "well, you were a cute little girl." These events have had an immeasurable effect on my life, possibly because I truly believed until my mid-twenties that it really was my fault.

Despite being armed with the knowledge that I was not to blame for these events, I continued to treat myself as if I was worthless and in turn allowed others to treat me as if I were worthless.

Within myself I know I am a wonderful, loving, intelligent, and caring person with many positive traits. In virtually every area of my life I behave this way and others treat me likewise. However, there is one area of my life in which I continue to make irrational choices and allow myself to be treated like a "side dish" rather than an "entree." Possibly a poor analogy, but painfully accurate.

I wonder what its like to be in love, truly in love, and to have a partner love me in the same way. I wonder what its like to be in a mutually respectful relationship. I wonder what its like to be treated as a partner, not a plaything. I wonder what its like to be admired and respected and loved by the person you are intimate with. And I wonder if there is someone with whom I will no longer feel the need to protect myself.

Time

Here it is, the very last day of June 2010. The day before July 1, 2010.

How did this happen? How did it get to be almost July so quickly? And before that it was "almost June" that caught me off guard. And before that, "almost May".... I'm sure you get the picture. Time is simply speeding by much too quickly, quicker than it ever has before. Each twelve hour work day seems to drag on forever and the days at home are seemingly endless. Why is it then that cumulatively, the weeks and months are flying by?

Mom was here for an hour or two over lunch today and we looked through a few old photo albums. There's nothing like a trip down a twenty year old memory lane to remind you of how much time has passed. There was a picture of my two oldest; one of them still in an infant carrier. I can remember that instant in time like it was yesterday.

While I can look back a year and see how much I've accomplished during that time, I also can see how little I've really done, and how much time I've spent on activities that have no relation to any of the goals I've set for myself. Some may call it wasting time, and I think they may be right in some instances. For example, I have spent hours and days and possibly weeks of the last year playing games on my phone. These hours are gone and I'll never get them back.

At the same time I complain bitterly to anyone who will listen, about the fifty pounds I've gained and how I've got no time to do anything about it. What if I had used those hours for working out at home, going to the gym, or preparing healthy meals? I'm sure I wouldn't be carrying around this much extra weight if had I used my time more constructively.

The point I'm trying to make is that we are all given 24 hours in each day. How we use our time is up to us, but we need to be aware that each minute we spend on "time wasting" activities is a minute that could have been put to better use.

So I'm challenging myself to spend less time on my iPhone and more time working towards my goals (weight loss is one of those goals).