Doing the Right Thing

Why do we always have to do the right thing?  Why can't we ever just do what we want to and screw the consequences?

Not sure about everyone else but I find myself  'doing the right thing' even if it means sacrificing myself and what's good for me.  I'm certainly not going to use any examples to demonstrate this, just rest assured that its true.

Some days I just want to say "f**k it" and do the things that I want to do.  Yeah, that sounds harsh.  Don't tell me none of you haven't ever thought or felt that way, or even acted that way.

Okay, so I might be referring to raising kids, no surprise there.  For 23 years I've been doing what's right for the kids (most of the time) and putting my needs aside.  There's been times when I didn't even know what my own needs and wants were cuz I was so wrapped up in my kids' needs.  Now I'm 43 and I certainly know what my needs and wants are but I have no time to indulge them.  Or the money.  The sacrifices we make for kids are unbelievable and every parent reading this knows what I mean. 

And you all know I love my kids more than anything, all three of them.  But, damn it, I want to do fun things.  I want to be able to get up and go for a walk when I want to.  I want to be able to go to the gym and not worry about childcare.  I want to go out for coffee with friends when the opportunity presents itself.  I'd like to be able to spend a portion of my hard earned paycheque on myself.  I'd love to be able to do travel nursing.  I'd like to be able to work full time and not burn out because I've also got two kids at home that need me and my support. 

Call me selfish, I'm just speaking what's on a lot of parents' minds. 

We don't only do the right thing when it comes to our offspring, we do the right thing when it comes to our parents.  Its so damn hard watching Mom have dementia.  Its exhausting taking her anywhere cuz she can't hear and she asks the same questions over and over and over again.  Occasionally she calls me in a state of extreme agitation and bitches me out for something that happened years ago, her license being taken away.  Seems she blames me for it.  Each time we're together or on the phone I hear the same old questions and get the same old response,  its always the same.  Mom, as I once knew her, is gone.  Occasionally, she makes an appearance, but its short and sweet. 

How much easier wouldn't it be to just walk away, or move away, and let my brothers deal with it?  In reality, it would be my sisters in law, as my brothers aren't the ones who care for her on a day to day basis.

And if that weren't enough, sometimes I have my children, two of them, and my mother with me at the same time.  One is constantly asking me to repeat myself, and keeps interrupting conversations cuz she can't hear that we're already talking, one is a toddler that demands close supervision at the best of times, and the other is jealous that I'm paying attention to the other two.  After an hour of this scenario, I'm ready to get in my car alone and drive away from it all.  But that wouldn't be considered doing the right thing.

So we continue 'doing the right thing' and making sacrifices and tell ourselves that someday it will be our turn.

This is not a reflection of how I feel on a day to day basis, it is just written during a period of frustration which was triggered by something that was said yesterday. I am not about to run away from home, at least not for more than a few hours at a time.  I'm not going to stop parenting Kev or Jen (Chris doesn't need so much parenting anymore), and I'm not going to abdicate my responsibilities with my mother. 

I get jealous sometimes when I see single women who have no responsibilities except themselves and have their whole paycheque to themselves.  They can come and go as they please.

But, they don't wake up every morning to a happy smiling Kev who thinks they are just the greatest thing in the world.  They don't have adult daughters to go shopping with.  They are not surrounded by love and commotion on a daily basis. 

The grass is always greener.