Living Single

Once upon a time I had a husband, but that was a long time ago. Hes now happily married to a wonderful woman.

And, once upon a time I had a boyfriend. Well, a few of them actually. Not all at the same time, of course. That was also a long time ago, almost in another life time. When I met him (the last boyfriend) I told him that if it didnt work out between us that I wouldnt be trying out any other relationships. He would be the last one.

That was 3 years ago.

And, no, this blog is not all about “him,” its about the happy evolution of my happily single life. If this blog was all about “him,” it would be a lot shorter. Not a lot to say about “him.”

Since July or June of last year (2010) Ive been single. The very fact that I dont even know the month of my break up is a huge indicator of how much I really dont care. I can remember the date and the exact time that my marriage ended. I can remember the date that the divorce became final. Those were important days cuz I had invested eight years and one child in that relationship.

But this blog is not about past relationships, it is about the future, the limitless possibilities of the future.

In the past Ive written a few posts about goals and goal setting and values and so on. And Ive spent some time (most of my life) waiting for the right man to rescue me from my pitiful single plight (dripping sarcasm).

When I last reviewed my goals, I set some new ones. Not all of my goals are quantifiable, the one Im referring to is based mostly on how I feel. This goal is the direct opposite of what the goal for many single women is. Instead of having a goal of “meeting Mr. Right,” my goal is to “be single and enjoy it.” That means Im no longer looking for a man, Im looking for ways to enjoy being single, looking for the values in being a single Grandma.

For all you happily married and happily involved people, you may not understand this or even agree with this. Thats okay.

Being single, I decided my own agenda, my own values, my own residence… basically I decide everything on my own. It goes without saying, of course, that Kevin is taken into consideration for any decisions.

Im stubborn so making decisions on my own is much easier than trying to compromise and make decisions with someone else. That could be one of the reasons Im divorced.

Being single, I am finding out who I am. In having relationships, and being involved with someone else, I forget who I am and what I value. I become so absorbed in pleasing the other person and wanting to be good enough for them that I cease to exist, but the suffocation is of my own doing.

It is my 20-20 hindsight that has prompted me to decide that I do not want an endless parade of men in Kevins life. The values it teaches him are not values I would like for him to have; and the distraction that a man would be is just not worth it. I am choosing instead, to give myself and Kevin my full attention, making our lives the best they can be in every regard.

In some ways, work may be my relationship at this point in my life, as it is the only thing that keeps me away from a child that I would love to be raising as a stay at home mom. I couldnt imagine where in my life I would find time to schedule in a man; our time is just too busy. And, yes, I often say that Kevin needs more male influence in his life cuz hes surrounded by girls most of the time, but its better that hes surrounded by love than to have a parent who is distracted by a suitor.

The pattern of past relationships with the major male figures in my life has not been stellar. There have been many alcoholics, and all have been emotionally unavailable. All have been addicts in one form or another; one was a gambler. Most of them have been abusive in some way. Ive been abused in every way possible at some point in my life. I can honestly say that there has not been a healthy romantic relationship with a man in my lifetime. So what makes me think that the next relationship will be healthy? Its not a likely scenario, so Ill be single and thrive instead of partnered and merely surviving.

Disclaimer: I am not ruling out ever having another relationship, simply stating that Ive got a lot of work to do before Im ready to try again.