Waiting . . . .

Working on my book has brought up a lot of memories of relationships past, both good and bad.  With the wisdom and hindsight of my 42 and 3/4 years, I can see patterns of behavior and I've come to an understanding, sort of, of why I made the choices I did.

Tonight I had another one of those epiphanies and I'd like to share it with you to see if any of you out there are equally guilty of "waiting."

Waiting?  Waiting for what, you ask.  Waiting for a man.  Waiting to be rescued.  Waiting to be happy.  Waiting to be taken care of.  The saddest and most pathetic kind of waiting that any self-respecting woman can ever be guilty of.

And I've been guilty so many times in my life.  After each failed relationship I'd pretend to be living my life, but it was just a sham to cover up my insecurity and my perceived need for a man in my life.  I'd wait for the next one to come along and then when someone showed interest the wait would be over and I could begin living again.

If I really look within myself I believe that I have put my life on hold numerous times during these 'waiting' periods.  It was as if I didn't dare be happy or successful while I was single.  Then I would be guilty of something.  Perhaps its my upbringing that has taught me that no woman can get by in life without a man.  Unmarried women often have their brothers or fathers as their "adviser."  Its as if they are incapable of making any type of decision on their own and need a human with a penis to tell them how to live their life. Now, I have nothing against men and nothing against penises, but why does an unmarried adult woman need a male "adviser?"  Why does she need an adviser at all?

That is the mentality that surrounded me as a child and still surrounds me to some extent in relatives and the community in which I live.  I'm assuming that is why I have spent the better portion of my life waiting.

The question is, how do I stop waiting?  How do I live my life not waiting?  I've always imagined that I was an independent and strong woman and could live perfectly well without being in a relationship.  Why is it then that my life is in limbo and I have currently returned to waiting?  And, if I consciously realize that I'm waiting, then I should be able to stop myself, right?  If it were so easy to put an end to this behavior, I'd say adios to it right now.

What would my life look like if I were not "waiting?"  Externally, there would be few signs that anything had changed; my cell phone would not be permanently attached to me, I wouldn't eye each male as a potential rescuer, and perhaps I would talk and joke around less while working. Internally is where the changes would be.  I'm forever waiting for my phone to ring with a call or text from someone special, waiting for any sign that he might be interested in me, not making concrete plans or planning ahead in case he does call or text.  In general, its an unsettled feeling.

Its embarrassing to admit that at 42 and 3/4 I'm waiting again.  Its not embarrassing to be single, I'm ashamed to be waiting for Mr. Right and not being fully happy and fully independent because of that waiting.


Ladies, don't wait for that special someone to come along.  Live your life like its yours and only yours.  Live now.