Ten Easy Steps to Gain Forty Pounds

This is an instructional post for those of you who are interested in putting on some extra padding for our cold winters and summers.

The first step is crucial and life altering. Do NOT miss this step. While at work find an object to “accidentally” hit your head on. In order for this step to be effective you must connect your head to the object at a very high rate of speed. Once you have completed this step, go sit down and cry. Do not listen to your co-workers when they tell you to go visit the emergency room. When your hearing starts to get fuzzy, then admit that maybe you should go visit the nice nurses in emerg. When the triage nurse starts to fill out a worker’s comp form, laugh and say, “oh this is nothing, I’m only here cuz they made me come down.” When the nurse does your vital signs, hit your head one more time on the safety glass for good measure, just in case the previous whack wasn’t enough. While waiting to be seen by neurology, give a sigh of relief because you get to sit down after being on your feet for eight hours straight. After being seen and told that there is nothing wrong with you, go back to your ward and get back to work. Let someone else take over the charge nurse responsibilities because you are feeling a bit woozy. At the end of the shift cry because you can’t find oxygen tubing, even though you go get oxygen tubing every day and know damn well where it is. Then, when giving report, make inappropriate jokes (more inappropriate than is normal for even you!) and say terrible things about patients and coworkers (even though this is something you never do). Cry copiously for the entire fifteen minutes that you are giving report. When your son arrives to pick you up from work, cry all the way home, even though you have no idea why you are crying. (True story. It cost me 11 months of work.)

The second step is a bit more insidious. Instead of following the strict meal plan that you were on, instead of even gradually introducing a fuller diet, begin eating things that you don’t normally eat, saying “just this once won’t hurt.” Do this for about a year. By now you should have gained at least ten pounds. Exercise a little during this time, but don’t overdo it, you want to be sure to gain the proper amount of weight.

The third step is to somehow find yourself becoming a grandmother way before you ever expected. Once that baby is born, you will not want to leave the house to go to the gym because the baby is way to cute to leave in anyone else’s care. And the house may fall apart if you are gone for two hours. This will help you avoid many gym visits. Having a baby in the house is also helpful in keeping things so busy that you will not have time to cook healthy foods, so you eat whatever is quickest, or you could just drive down the road to Mcdonalds.

The fourth step is optional, but I included this one in my plan just to ensure that I gained at least forty pounds. Have a boyfriend. Keep yourself busy with the boyfriend and the baby. Spend at least 8 hours a week in the car driving back and forth from your residence to the boyfriend’s. This gives you the opportunity to eat fast food in the car and to drink plenty of Tim Horton’s coffee/iced latte/cappuccino. Don’t skimp on the caloric intake.

The fifth step, and my favorite step, whenever you get up at night to feed the baby from step three, or even if you’re up just to go pee, make a side trip to the kitchen and binge on whatever is there that you are craving. Peanut butter, sugary cereal, cookies, etc. Its important that you do this each time you get up at night, even if you are up 4 times. The more you can eat the better. Eating white carbs at night is optimal for weight gain.

Step six, because you are afraid that you may not make your forty pound goal in the limited amount of time, ensure that you are under a lot of stress in all areas of your life. Stress is very helpful with weight gain. Do not try to eliminate any stressors, do not listen to suggestions from friends and family, but keep adding more stress.

Step seven, even though you’ve foolishly invested in a jogging stroller, don’t bother using it. That would only help you if you were trying to lose 40 pounds. What you’re trying to do here is gain weight.

Another favorite is the 8th step, drink gallons and gallons of diet coke made with aspartame. Not only is this very good for your body, it also makes you crave sweet and sugary things. Ignore those who tell you that water is the best thing to drink. They obviously are trying to jeopardize your efforts because they are jealous.

We’ve almost reached the end of this little tutorial.

Step nine, while at work, make sure you eat a large portion of the chocolates and sweets that patients families bring in for the nice nurses (you are now one of the nice nurses because your head is fixed). If you are worried that other nice nurses may come and steal your chocolates, stand right by the box and stuff as many as you can into your mouth. Another thing you can do while you are at work is hide in the kitchen and eat all the little peanut butter packets that come with the breakfast trays. Each one has 100 calories and is filled with sugar, and is bound to help with your weight gain.

The tenth step is possibly the most difficult step but very important to your goal. If you are foolish enough to own a gym membership, just don’t use it.

And as a bonus, I’ve included an eleventh step. Personally, I didn’t really need to use this step in my mission to pack on the pounds, but I thought I would do it for science. Pretend you are going to bake cookies and mix a batch of cookie dough. You must sample it at each step to ensure that the dough is edible. Then put the dough in the fridge to chill. When you get up at night and go down to the kitchen for your nightly snack that I mentioned earlier, eat a large portion of the chilled cookie dough. The best thing you can do for your family is to eat ALL the cookie dough that you are chilling to make cream cheese cookies for family xmas gatherings. You don’t want your family to gain as much weight as you.

Once you have gained forty pounds and added this weight to your frame, you will be able to pack away 90% of your clothes because you don’t fit into them anymore. That’s a good thing. Once you are down to one outfit life will be so much simpler because you won’t have to decide what to wear. Even only one or two pairs of scrub pants will be optimal, because this way people always know what to expect you to be wearing when you come to work.

There are many bonuses to having the extra weight to carry around, but that is for a later post. Who ever tells you they feel better about themselves when they are in good shape is lying. They obviously have no clue how fabulous it feels and looks to have forty extra pounds to carry around with them every day.