Sounds odd, perhaps; that’s how my brain works. Writing has proven effective time after time in sorting out the issue du jour. The thoughts line up and spew onto the page in some sort of order and things begin to make sense. When bouncing around in my head these same random thoughts only cause trouble.
There are so many things on my mind tonight; where to begin? And should I share my thoughts and concerns with you? My concerns tonight are not of the negative or the positive variety, they are merely things that I think about periodically and sporadically, when the house is quiet and dark and I’m alone. Its not a case of being alone too much or too much time on my hands; these are the most introspective moments of my life, and growth, if not already in evidence, always follows these moments.
My life is no longer my own; I feel “owned” by my employer and by those currently paying my compensatory wages. My freedom to seek employment at a facility of my choice is no longer a freedom; it is the choice of my employer, until I am deemed completely rehabbed and employable once again. Had I not been injured, I would have found employment elsewhere and relocated my household. As it is now, I have no concept of how long it might take till I am ‘free’ to leave. This is not necessarily a positive thing, in my opinion, but I have learned to let things work them selves out in their own time. Reasons that I cannot see today may make themselves clear tomorrow. However, my impatient nature is struggling mightily with this.
This morning I deposited a toddler at the sitter and this afternoon I picked up a toddler-become-a-boy. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I suddenly noticed that he’s growing up and leaving toddler-hood behind. But that can’t be! It was only yesterday he morphed from infant to toddler. And the day before that he was newborn. What’s next? I imagine he’ll be graduating from high school tomorrow. Humorous? Yes. Sad? Yes. So many emotions course through a mother’s heart as they hurtle through their child’s life. The days go by too slowly, but the years are racing by at the speed of sound.
My confidence suffered a major assault in the past years and I allowed it to happen; I may even have made it possible by not listening to my heart at the first sign of trouble. And when my identity was at its most fragile stage I added insult to injury by setting myself up for even more assaults on my integrity and capabilities. Recently, the confidence that I formerly had in myself and my strengths and abilities has begun to return, and it is restoring me to a much stronger state than previously. Adversity does truly strengthen us, but causes a fair bit of discomfort while doing so.
Those are but a few examples of what topics my mind brings to my attention on any given day. Having shared them with you, I can now put my finger on my thoughts; they are no longer free floating.
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