Some of my FB statuses are long enough to be short stories, but this is a story that would push the boundaries of status length. Besides, there is only so much patience I have for keying in lengthy dialogues on my iPhone.
Having said that, let me tell you a story.
It happened one bitterly cold Sunday in January. Kevin and I picked up my mother at her home and proceeded to drive off to Winnipeg. What was supposed to be a surprise for Great-Gramma turned out to not be much of a surprise because Luanna, my dear dear sister-in-law, was unaware that the event was to be a surprise. The surprise was that we were going to pick up Jen, my daughter, Kevy's birth mother, and my mother's granddaughter who she had not seen in many months. I'm sure she was convinced that Jen no longer existed and was just a part of her memory bank.
Now before I go any further with this tale, let me fill in some background, for those of you who are blissfully unaware of my mother's status (and I do not mean FB status). She is 87 years old, has pitifully poor hearing despite two expensive hearing aids, and has some form of dementia which is advancing surprisingly rapidly the past few weeks. She is normally very pleasant, but has had some more unpleasant moments recently, which is why we started her on Risperidone ten days ago, with very good effect.
Now that you are up to speed..... we are on the way to Winnipeg, the drive there was uneventful. After no confusion whatsoever (on my part) we found Jenny's new home and proceeded to pick her up. Her and I had prearranged to go to Smitty's at Pembina and Grant, and there we went.
After we were seated in our booth, the fun began. And what fun it was. Mom has her condition which leaves her at a distinct disadvantage at the best of times. Kevin is a toddler, which should also be known as a medical condition. Jennifer is 21 with an attitude. This is definitely a medical condition. I'm 44 and I was the only normal one at the table. And if you're buying that, well, you've got bigger things to be worrying about.
Picture the four of us at a table. Mom can't hear anything we're saying unless we practically shout. Kevin talks and fidgets non stop. Jennifer says very little and what she says usually should not be repeated. I spent most of my time repeating things that had to be censored first. Then attempting to discipline an unruly toddler on the other side of the table whose birth mother seems to think she can make decisions on behalf of.
Jen thought it was a good idea to play tic-tac-toe with Gramma. She won't be doing that again anytime soon. Mom beat her with 3 or 4 x's. In short, she got schooled and good!!
The drive home was ridiculously funny. Driving down the Trans Canada highway, a route that my mother has been on and driven on at least a million times, she asked where we were. It seems she no longer recognized the landmarks that were once so familiar. No, that's not the funny part. What was funny was that at the very same time, Kevy asked what road we were on and what the sign beside the road said. This cacophony of noise and conversation was brief but intense. Everytime I spoke to Kevin, Mom thought I was talking to her and demanded that I repeat myself. Kevin had this knack of simply not speaking until Mom was already talking and then I was listening to two at once.
(written last winter; not sure why I never posted it then)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Ten Easy Steps to Gain Forty Pounds
This is an instructional post for those of you who are interested in putting on some extra padding for our cold winters and summers.
The first step is crucial and life altering. Do NOT miss this step. While at work find an object to “accidentally” hit your head on. In order for this step to be effective you must connect your head to the object at a very high rate of speed. Once you have completed this step, go sit down and cry. Do not listen to your co-workers when they tell you to go visit the emergency room. When your hearing starts to get fuzzy, then admit that maybe you should go visit the nice nurses in emerg. When the triage nurse starts to fill out a worker’s comp form, laugh and say, “oh this is nothing, I’m only here cuz they made me come down.” When the nurse does your vital signs, hit your head one more time on the safety glass for good measure, just in case the previous whack wasn’t enough. While waiting to be seen by neurology, give a sigh of relief because you get to sit down after being on your feet for eight hours straight. After being seen and told that there is nothing wrong with you, go back to your ward and get back to work. Let someone else take over the charge nurse responsibilities because you are feeling a bit woozy. At the end of the shift cry because you can’t find oxygen tubing, even though you go get oxygen tubing every day and know damn well where it is. Then, when giving report, make inappropriate jokes (more inappropriate than is normal for even you!) and say terrible things about patients and coworkers (even though this is something you never do). Cry copiously for the entire fifteen minutes that you are giving report. When your son arrives to pick you up from work, cry all the way home, even though you have no idea why you are crying. (True story. It cost me 11 months of work.)
The second step is a bit more insidious. Instead of following the strict meal plan that you were on, instead of even gradually introducing a fuller diet, begin eating things that you don’t normally eat, saying “just this once won’t hurt.” Do this for about a year. By now you should have gained at least ten pounds. Exercise a little during this time, but don’t overdo it, you want to be sure to gain the proper amount of weight.
The third step is to somehow find yourself becoming a grandmother way before you ever expected. Once that baby is born, you will not want to leave the house to go to the gym because the baby is way to cute to leave in anyone else’s care. And the house may fall apart if you are gone for two hours. This will help you avoid many gym visits. Having a baby in the house is also helpful in keeping things so busy that you will not have time to cook healthy foods, so you eat whatever is quickest, or you could just drive down the road to Mcdonalds.
The fourth step is optional, but I included this one in my plan just to ensure that I gained at least forty pounds. Have a boyfriend. Keep yourself busy with the boyfriend and the baby. Spend at least 8 hours a week in the car driving back and forth from your residence to the boyfriend’s. This gives you the opportunity to eat fast food in the car and to drink plenty of Tim Horton’s coffee/iced latte/cappuccino. Don’t skimp on the caloric intake.
The fifth step, and my favorite step, whenever you get up at night to feed the baby from step three, or even if you’re up just to go pee, make a side trip to the kitchen and binge on whatever is there that you are craving. Peanut butter, sugary cereal, cookies, etc. Its important that you do this each time you get up at night, even if you are up 4 times. The more you can eat the better. Eating white carbs at night is optimal for weight gain.
Step six, because you are afraid that you may not make your forty pound goal in the limited amount of time, ensure that you are under a lot of stress in all areas of your life. Stress is very helpful with weight gain. Do not try to eliminate any stressors, do not listen to suggestions from friends and family, but keep adding more stress.
Step seven, even though you’ve foolishly invested in a jogging stroller, don’t bother using it. That would only help you if you were trying to lose 40 pounds. What you’re trying to do here is gain weight.
Another favorite is the 8th step, drink gallons and gallons of diet coke made with aspartame. Not only is this very good for your body, it also makes you crave sweet and sugary things. Ignore those who tell you that water is the best thing to drink. They obviously are trying to jeopardize your efforts because they are jealous.
We’ve almost reached the end of this little tutorial.
Step nine, while at work, make sure you eat a large portion of the chocolates and sweets that patients families bring in for the nice nurses (you are now one of the nice nurses because your head is fixed). If you are worried that other nice nurses may come and steal your chocolates, stand right by the box and stuff as many as you can into your mouth. Another thing you can do while you are at work is hide in the kitchen and eat all the little peanut butter packets that come with the breakfast trays. Each one has 100 calories and is filled with sugar, and is bound to help with your weight gain.
The tenth step is possibly the most difficult step but very important to your goal. If you are foolish enough to own a gym membership, just don’t use it.
And as a bonus, I’ve included an eleventh step. Personally, I didn’t really need to use this step in my mission to pack on the pounds, but I thought I would do it for science. Pretend you are going to bake cookies and mix a batch of cookie dough. You must sample it at each step to ensure that the dough is edible. Then put the dough in the fridge to chill. When you get up at night and go down to the kitchen for your nightly snack that I mentioned earlier, eat a large portion of the chilled cookie dough. The best thing you can do for your family is to eat ALL the cookie dough that you are chilling to make cream cheese cookies for family xmas gatherings. You don’t want your family to gain as much weight as you.
Once you have gained forty pounds and added this weight to your frame, you will be able to pack away 90% of your clothes because you don’t fit into them anymore. That’s a good thing. Once you are down to one outfit life will be so much simpler because you won’t have to decide what to wear. Even only one or two pairs of scrub pants will be optimal, because this way people always know what to expect you to be wearing when you come to work.
There are many bonuses to having the extra weight to carry around, but that is for a later post. Who ever tells you they feel better about themselves when they are in good shape is lying. They obviously have no clue how fabulous it feels and looks to have forty extra pounds to carry around with them every day.
The first step is crucial and life altering. Do NOT miss this step. While at work find an object to “accidentally” hit your head on. In order for this step to be effective you must connect your head to the object at a very high rate of speed. Once you have completed this step, go sit down and cry. Do not listen to your co-workers when they tell you to go visit the emergency room. When your hearing starts to get fuzzy, then admit that maybe you should go visit the nice nurses in emerg. When the triage nurse starts to fill out a worker’s comp form, laugh and say, “oh this is nothing, I’m only here cuz they made me come down.” When the nurse does your vital signs, hit your head one more time on the safety glass for good measure, just in case the previous whack wasn’t enough. While waiting to be seen by neurology, give a sigh of relief because you get to sit down after being on your feet for eight hours straight. After being seen and told that there is nothing wrong with you, go back to your ward and get back to work. Let someone else take over the charge nurse responsibilities because you are feeling a bit woozy. At the end of the shift cry because you can’t find oxygen tubing, even though you go get oxygen tubing every day and know damn well where it is. Then, when giving report, make inappropriate jokes (more inappropriate than is normal for even you!) and say terrible things about patients and coworkers (even though this is something you never do). Cry copiously for the entire fifteen minutes that you are giving report. When your son arrives to pick you up from work, cry all the way home, even though you have no idea why you are crying. (True story. It cost me 11 months of work.)
The second step is a bit more insidious. Instead of following the strict meal plan that you were on, instead of even gradually introducing a fuller diet, begin eating things that you don’t normally eat, saying “just this once won’t hurt.” Do this for about a year. By now you should have gained at least ten pounds. Exercise a little during this time, but don’t overdo it, you want to be sure to gain the proper amount of weight.
The third step is to somehow find yourself becoming a grandmother way before you ever expected. Once that baby is born, you will not want to leave the house to go to the gym because the baby is way to cute to leave in anyone else’s care. And the house may fall apart if you are gone for two hours. This will help you avoid many gym visits. Having a baby in the house is also helpful in keeping things so busy that you will not have time to cook healthy foods, so you eat whatever is quickest, or you could just drive down the road to Mcdonalds.
The fourth step is optional, but I included this one in my plan just to ensure that I gained at least forty pounds. Have a boyfriend. Keep yourself busy with the boyfriend and the baby. Spend at least 8 hours a week in the car driving back and forth from your residence to the boyfriend’s. This gives you the opportunity to eat fast food in the car and to drink plenty of Tim Horton’s coffee/iced latte/cappuccino. Don’t skimp on the caloric intake.
The fifth step, and my favorite step, whenever you get up at night to feed the baby from step three, or even if you’re up just to go pee, make a side trip to the kitchen and binge on whatever is there that you are craving. Peanut butter, sugary cereal, cookies, etc. Its important that you do this each time you get up at night, even if you are up 4 times. The more you can eat the better. Eating white carbs at night is optimal for weight gain.
Step six, because you are afraid that you may not make your forty pound goal in the limited amount of time, ensure that you are under a lot of stress in all areas of your life. Stress is very helpful with weight gain. Do not try to eliminate any stressors, do not listen to suggestions from friends and family, but keep adding more stress.
Step seven, even though you’ve foolishly invested in a jogging stroller, don’t bother using it. That would only help you if you were trying to lose 40 pounds. What you’re trying to do here is gain weight.
Another favorite is the 8th step, drink gallons and gallons of diet coke made with aspartame. Not only is this very good for your body, it also makes you crave sweet and sugary things. Ignore those who tell you that water is the best thing to drink. They obviously are trying to jeopardize your efforts because they are jealous.
We’ve almost reached the end of this little tutorial.
Step nine, while at work, make sure you eat a large portion of the chocolates and sweets that patients families bring in for the nice nurses (you are now one of the nice nurses because your head is fixed). If you are worried that other nice nurses may come and steal your chocolates, stand right by the box and stuff as many as you can into your mouth. Another thing you can do while you are at work is hide in the kitchen and eat all the little peanut butter packets that come with the breakfast trays. Each one has 100 calories and is filled with sugar, and is bound to help with your weight gain.
The tenth step is possibly the most difficult step but very important to your goal. If you are foolish enough to own a gym membership, just don’t use it.
And as a bonus, I’ve included an eleventh step. Personally, I didn’t really need to use this step in my mission to pack on the pounds, but I thought I would do it for science. Pretend you are going to bake cookies and mix a batch of cookie dough. You must sample it at each step to ensure that the dough is edible. Then put the dough in the fridge to chill. When you get up at night and go down to the kitchen for your nightly snack that I mentioned earlier, eat a large portion of the chilled cookie dough. The best thing you can do for your family is to eat ALL the cookie dough that you are chilling to make cream cheese cookies for family xmas gatherings. You don’t want your family to gain as much weight as you.
Once you have gained forty pounds and added this weight to your frame, you will be able to pack away 90% of your clothes because you don’t fit into them anymore. That’s a good thing. Once you are down to one outfit life will be so much simpler because you won’t have to decide what to wear. Even only one or two pairs of scrub pants will be optimal, because this way people always know what to expect you to be wearing when you come to work.
There are many bonuses to having the extra weight to carry around, but that is for a later post. Who ever tells you they feel better about themselves when they are in good shape is lying. They obviously have no clue how fabulous it feels and looks to have forty extra pounds to carry around with them every day.
Only an Hour
Its 0441 and I’m not very wide awake and working. Well, perhaps I should say I’m at work. To say I’m working would be a bit misleading. The clients are all sleeping and the hospital is quiet and peaceful. It’s night two of three for me.
Before going any further, let me explain something. When I work nights, I sleep during the day. Obviously I cannot have Kevy at home while I’m sleeping, he’s just not old enough to be left to his own devices while I sleep the day away. Rather, he stays at the sitter for the nights, and the days following the nights. For me to work a three night stretch he spends almost 72 hours at the sitter. Its almost physically painful for me to do that, but it has to be done. Thank goodness it only happens twice every six weeks! It could be much worse; I could be working a rotation that was all nights.
Anyhow, on the way to work earlier in the evening, I stopped in at the babysitter’s home, as previously arranged, and spent an hour with Kevy. I opened the door without knocking and I saw a body hurtling in my direction; he launched himself off the stairs and threw himself into my arms and wrapped himself around my neck and my waist. “Gramma! Gramma!” I nearly cried.
We browsed through the Canadian Tire flyer that I had brought in for precisely that purpose. He oohed and aahed over everything and we’ve now decided that we would like to go camping, get a pool, a water trampoline, and buy a black garden tractor, preferably all at the same time. Just the feel of him on my lap and the sweetness of his voice is enough to heal the tiredness from a too-short sleep.
The babysitter fed me supper; ribs and pasta salad. I swear she’s trying to fatten me up so they can eat me. Yesterday she prepared a plate of kjeilke and sipple fat. Yummy! I’ll have to start saying no to her food, but its soooooo good! No wonder Kevy won’t eat my food, its not a quarter as good as hers! And I swear he gains two pounds every time he goes there!
Her daughter and I looked through her scrapbooking supplies and she showed me the cards she is planning to sell at my garage sale. We agreed that a visit to Michael’s (the biggest craft store in the city) was in order for Saturday.
The other daughter showed me the sign she had made and asked me if $0.50 was too much for a glass of lemonade. She’s going to be selling lemondade and cherry lemonade at my garage sale.
I love those girls for all the time they spend with Kevy and all the playing they do with him. The scrapbooking daughter lets Kevy play with her supplies when she is scrapbooking. I’m not sure that I would be trusting enough to do that.
After the hugs, the flyer, the food, and the scrapbooking, my hour was up and it was time to head to work. It was without a doubt the best hour of my day. How my priorities have changed since his arrival!
Before going any further, let me explain something. When I work nights, I sleep during the day. Obviously I cannot have Kevy at home while I’m sleeping, he’s just not old enough to be left to his own devices while I sleep the day away. Rather, he stays at the sitter for the nights, and the days following the nights. For me to work a three night stretch he spends almost 72 hours at the sitter. Its almost physically painful for me to do that, but it has to be done. Thank goodness it only happens twice every six weeks! It could be much worse; I could be working a rotation that was all nights.
Anyhow, on the way to work earlier in the evening, I stopped in at the babysitter’s home, as previously arranged, and spent an hour with Kevy. I opened the door without knocking and I saw a body hurtling in my direction; he launched himself off the stairs and threw himself into my arms and wrapped himself around my neck and my waist. “Gramma! Gramma!” I nearly cried.
We browsed through the Canadian Tire flyer that I had brought in for precisely that purpose. He oohed and aahed over everything and we’ve now decided that we would like to go camping, get a pool, a water trampoline, and buy a black garden tractor, preferably all at the same time. Just the feel of him on my lap and the sweetness of his voice is enough to heal the tiredness from a too-short sleep.
The babysitter fed me supper; ribs and pasta salad. I swear she’s trying to fatten me up so they can eat me. Yesterday she prepared a plate of kjeilke and sipple fat. Yummy! I’ll have to start saying no to her food, but its soooooo good! No wonder Kevy won’t eat my food, its not a quarter as good as hers! And I swear he gains two pounds every time he goes there!
Her daughter and I looked through her scrapbooking supplies and she showed me the cards she is planning to sell at my garage sale. We agreed that a visit to Michael’s (the biggest craft store in the city) was in order for Saturday.
The other daughter showed me the sign she had made and asked me if $0.50 was too much for a glass of lemonade. She’s going to be selling lemondade and cherry lemonade at my garage sale.
I love those girls for all the time they spend with Kevy and all the playing they do with him. The scrapbooking daughter lets Kevy play with her supplies when she is scrapbooking. I’m not sure that I would be trusting enough to do that.
After the hugs, the flyer, the food, and the scrapbooking, my hour was up and it was time to head to work. It was without a doubt the best hour of my day. How my priorities have changed since his arrival!
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