Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Living Single

Once upon a time I had a husband, but that was a long time ago. Hes now happily married to a wonderful woman.

And, once upon a time I had a boyfriend. Well, a few of them actually. Not all at the same time, of course. That was also a long time ago, almost in another life time. When I met him (the last boyfriend) I told him that if it didnt work out between us that I wouldnt be trying out any other relationships. He would be the last one.

That was 3 years ago.

And, no, this blog is not all about “him,” its about the happy evolution of my happily single life. If this blog was all about “him,” it would be a lot shorter. Not a lot to say about “him.”

Since July or June of last year (2010) Ive been single. The very fact that I dont even know the month of my break up is a huge indicator of how much I really dont care. I can remember the date and the exact time that my marriage ended. I can remember the date that the divorce became final. Those were important days cuz I had invested eight years and one child in that relationship.

But this blog is not about past relationships, it is about the future, the limitless possibilities of the future.

In the past Ive written a few posts about goals and goal setting and values and so on. And Ive spent some time (most of my life) waiting for the right man to rescue me from my pitiful single plight (dripping sarcasm).

When I last reviewed my goals, I set some new ones. Not all of my goals are quantifiable, the one Im referring to is based mostly on how I feel. This goal is the direct opposite of what the goal for many single women is. Instead of having a goal of “meeting Mr. Right,” my goal is to “be single and enjoy it.” That means Im no longer looking for a man, Im looking for ways to enjoy being single, looking for the values in being a single Grandma.

For all you happily married and happily involved people, you may not understand this or even agree with this. Thats okay.

Being single, I decided my own agenda, my own values, my own residence… basically I decide everything on my own. It goes without saying, of course, that Kevin is taken into consideration for any decisions.

Im stubborn so making decisions on my own is much easier than trying to compromise and make decisions with someone else. That could be one of the reasons Im divorced.

Being single, I am finding out who I am. In having relationships, and being involved with someone else, I forget who I am and what I value. I become so absorbed in pleasing the other person and wanting to be good enough for them that I cease to exist, but the suffocation is of my own doing.

It is my 20-20 hindsight that has prompted me to decide that I do not want an endless parade of men in Kevins life. The values it teaches him are not values I would like for him to have; and the distraction that a man would be is just not worth it. I am choosing instead, to give myself and Kevin my full attention, making our lives the best they can be in every regard.

In some ways, work may be my relationship at this point in my life, as it is the only thing that keeps me away from a child that I would love to be raising as a stay at home mom. I couldnt imagine where in my life I would find time to schedule in a man; our time is just too busy. And, yes, I often say that Kevin needs more male influence in his life cuz hes surrounded by girls most of the time, but its better that hes surrounded by love than to have a parent who is distracted by a suitor.

The pattern of past relationships with the major male figures in my life has not been stellar. There have been many alcoholics, and all have been emotionally unavailable. All have been addicts in one form or another; one was a gambler. Most of them have been abusive in some way. Ive been abused in every way possible at some point in my life. I can honestly say that there has not been a healthy romantic relationship with a man in my lifetime. So what makes me think that the next relationship will be healthy? Its not a likely scenario, so Ill be single and thrive instead of partnered and merely surviving.

Disclaimer: I am not ruling out ever having another relationship, simply stating that Ive got a lot of work to do before Im ready to try again.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Weather and Politics

Working at night sometimes leads the mind down avenues untraveled in daylight hours, likely because the brain is overtired and not firing on all cylinders. The last night shift I worked was one of those nights.

And for all of you concerned about confidentiality, just because I happen to be referencing work, does not mean this is about work. This is actually completely unrelated to work, so don't get your panties all in a knot and start bringing up PHIA.

Weather and politics seem quite unrelated but my poor tired brain grasped onto a common thread, likely since it was the night just following our federal election and also right after our, ahem, "blizzard."

First, I noticed that when we had the misfortune to receive snow in May, everyone was bitching and moaning like their life was coming to an end. Hello! We live in Canada, Manitoba to be more precise. This may not happen every year but it happens often enough that it should come as no surprise when it happens. Why is everyone so horrified every time it happens?

My point is that complaining about the weather is futile; no amount of swearing at the snow, shaking your fist at the sky, or whining on Facebook will make the snow stop, or make it melt any quicker. There is simply nothing you can do about the weather. Period.

Second, the federal election also caused a fair bit of uproar. Again, there is nothing you can do about the outcome of the election. Being angry because "your" party or candidate was not elected won't change the results. And if you didn't vote, you don't even have the right to complain about the majority government. For the purpose of this post I am referring to those who did not vote.

You're likely wondering about the common thread here; well, like I said, it was my tired brain, likely overstimulated by my coworkers extra-strength coffee, that came up with this similarity.

We complain (and by we, I am not including myself) about the weather and politics, usually non-stop. Its too hot, its too cold, the government sucks, etc etc etc. Complaining will not change the weather or politics. Let me repeat that, complaining will NOT change the weather or politics. You're wasting your breath and your time .

Unless you are willing to get into politics yourself and try and make a difference in the world, stop complaining.

Unless you have the power to change the weather, or you are able to move to a more appealing climate, zip it.

It may be the right of every Canadian to voice their unhappiness regarding the weather and the political situation, but I refuse (most of the time) to participate.



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Chaotic Family

I’ll be the first to admit we’re not your average family.

Nor are we a “normal” family.

We love each other and that’s what matters.

There’s me, the head of the chaos. Then there’s Chris, Child #1. Jen, Child #2. And Kev, Child #3. Doesn’t sound so abnormal, does it?

There’s a twist to this story. There is no Mr. Me. There’s just me. There has been a Mr. Me, but not for a long time. So its me, and the three offspring.

That’s one twist to the story. There’s a second twist. Child #3 is the child of Child #2. That makes him my grandson and not my son, biologically speaking.

Child #1 does not live with me. Child #2 and Child #3 live under my roof, for now. Child #2 is moving out and Child #3 is staying with me. I’m the parent to all three children, but not the biological parent of Child #3. I’m his parent in every other way, though. He calls me “Grandma.” He calls Child #2 “Mommy.”

Child #3 calls Child #1 “Uncle Chris,” which is completely normal. What’s abnormal is that they are being raised by the same Mother, except that one calls me “Mom” and the other calls me “Grandma.”

Confused yet? I’m not. It’s a chaos of my own making, my family. I love my family. I love that Child #3 is not being “protected” from the truth of his birth; that he will grow up knowing that he grew in Child #2’s tummy and that “Grandma” is his mom. I love that he won’t get a nasty surprise when he’s “old enough to know the truth.” He will always have known the truth.

Child #1 and Child #2 do not share the same biological father. They have known this all their lives. Yet I never told them this. It was just a fact. It was talked about openly and without pretense of embarrassment.

If I had to tell them now that they did not share the same biological father, it may well be catastrophic. Better to grow up with the truth than with secrets and discover the truth later.

I make no apologies for my “abnormal” family. I chose this life and I chose all my children. Child #1, Child #2, and Child #3. I love them all equally and without question, wishing them happiness in life and may they find as much love as I’ve found in my chaotic family.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Moving On

So now we know; Jen got the job she's been interviewing for over the past few weeks. First an interview, then wait. Another interview, then wait again. Then a third and final interview. And suspense and a feeling of uncertainty for Jen.

On the way to work I called Jen at work to ask if she could please watch Kevy in the morning while I slept. She replied by saying "Sure, whatever is best for you." I almost drove off the road in my state of shock, but I quickly recovered and asked why she was being so nice. "Oh, I've only got a week and a half left."

That was how I found out she got the job.

The job is as a 'key holder' at Bluenotes in St. Vital. She's been working at Clearspring's Bluenotes since October and has been doing very well.

However, having an adult child move back home is a challenging situation at best. Our particular situation has a lot of extra challenges thrown in and as soon as Jen began recovering from the depression that necessitated her move home, it became apparent that this could not be a permanent arrangement.

When the possibility of a transfer to Winnipeg opened up for her, we were both excited; we both know that we can't be together under the same roof anymore. We're just much to much alike!!

So, in about ten days, she'll move to Winnipeg and begin a new chapter in her life. Kevy and I will stay in Steinbach for now and keep doing what we've been doing. And I'll mull over the city vs country question. Sigh. That's a tough decision.