5 Life Lessons I Have Learned

The lessons I’ve learned in my life have come from trial and error and are mostly a result of my horrendous sense of humor.  Others are a bit more serious.  You won’t find anything extremely original here, its likely stuff you’ve all figured out on your own by now anyway.

1. Always, always pee when you have the chance.  If there is a bathroom in sight, use it.  This is altered a bit for nurses:  always, always pee when you have a free minute.  You may not get another chance till the end of shift. 
2. Turn the idiot box off.  It benefits you and your family in more ways than you can count.  I’m not telling you to never watch TV, just watch a whole lot less of it. Get off the couch and move.  Clean the house.  Mow the lawn.  Go for a walk.  Or, gasp, read a book. 
3. Learn the lessons that the universe is trying to teach you, preferably the first time around.  The more you try to resist, the more painful the lesson gets. 
4. Don’t be afraid to have conversations with random strangers; you never know what you might learn from the little old lady sitting on the bench in the mall or at the bus stop. 
5. Accept that your way of doing things or your way of seeing the world is unique.  There is no one who sees it the way you do.  Don’t force your view on someone else, and don’t accept someone else’s view just because they want you to.

There’s more where this came from, so you will be blessed with a few more “Life Lessons” in the next week or so. 

Tell me about lessons you’ve learned; I’d love to hear them.

Tough Love

"Tough Love" was the name of a book that I caught my parents reading when I was a teen and, of course, I ridiculed them for it.  After all, I didn't need tough love.

What do you think when you hear the expression "tough love?" I can't remember what my first thoughts were when I heard the expression, but I know what my thoughts and feelings are now!  And, yes, I will share those thoughts and feelings with you.

Its difficult to write this post as I have a current issue in my life that is causing me distress and I do not want to get into specific details, in order to protect the "innocent."  Blogging is not like Facebook in that you cannot block others from seeing your profile.  No, this blog is open to the world. 

In referring to tough love, I am not referring to the teen boot camps that were shown on TV a few years ago and have become somewhat controversial.  I'm referring to refusing to continue to enable someone to continue on a path of self-destruction.  It is one thing to help a person out if help is genuinely wanted and the person is sincerely hoping to make a turn-around in their lives. Or, if the person has already made a commitment to change.  Using alcoholism or drug addiction as an example, I would insist that the addict be sober for a certain period of time before helping them financially, or in any way. There are plenty of professionals whose role it is to provide assistance to those who seek it out.

So where do we draw the line when offering assistance to those we love who are hell-bent on a lifestyle that is neither safe nor healthy?  Do we continue to bail them out or do we simply say "enough is enough" and let them hit rock-bottom, make a change, and then help them? Distancing oneself from a loved one and allowing them to self-destruct is not easy; the tendency is always there to step in an help out. How do we stop ourselves when helping would only enable the behavior?

As always, your comments are welcome, and I will respond to them.

Six Months Probation

The decision to move from the capitol city to a smaller town was made based on a six month probationary period. If, after six months, I absolutely hated it, I would move back to the city.  The six months will be up in two short weeks.

I’m staying.

I’m staying primarily because Kev and I are undisputedly happy here.

The tire park is Kev's reason.

I’m staying because of the positive experience in my own Emergency Department (ED) the other day.

I’m staying because I filled out my own triage form.

I’m staying because the initial physician to assess me was a female physician who I have the utmost respect for and would consider a friend. 

I’m staying because a co-worker (who is my 2^nd cousin) held my hand through a difficult and painful procedure in the ED.

I’m staying because that same cousin started an IV on me, also in the ED.

I’m staying because I’ve started IVs on my cousins.

I’m staying because the 2^nd nurse in the procedure room stayed behind and talked with me as I cried and reassured me that crying was okay and I shouldn’t be ashamed of my tears.

I’m staying because the physician who performed the painful procedure came over to me, took my hand, apologized for causing me pain, and genuinely meant it. 

I’m staying because I knew every one of the team that treated me in the ED, and not one of them was happy to see me under the circumstances.

He loves tires.

I’m staying because the surgeon who was consulted was one I had watched do procedures in the OR just a few months prior and I know he is caring and gentle. 

I’m staying because that same surgeon verbalized that he did not like to see me on ‘the other side of the fence’ as a patient.

I’m staying because my VBF brought me mashed potatoes, chicken, and an iced coffee while I was stuck on a stretcher in the ED.

I’m staying because my sister-in-law, who just happened to be in town, stopped by the ED for a few minutes despite me texting her that I was okay and she did not need to come and visit.

I’m staying because the manager of my home unit, not my CRN, walked over to ED to see how I was doing and stayed for a few minutes.

I’m staying because my CRN offered to come with me for an ultrasound the next morning when she realized I was alone at the hospital.

I’m staying because another sister-in-law stopped in at my home the next morning to check up on me and how I was doing.

I’m staying because Kev’s sitter kept Kev overnight and brought him home the next day, along with an iced coffee.

I’m staying.

Now, the Positve Aspect

Contrary to what my previous post "Religious Superiority" may have implied, it is not the people themselves that as individuals I have a concern with, it is the belief system I take issue with.

As a significant portion of my family (nieces, nephews, cousins,etc) and friends remain a part of this community, I love the people themselves dearly.  As individuals and as families they are "good people."

Following is a brief list of the qualities that I admire and respect, keeping in mind that as with all other communities or groups, there are always exceptions to the rule. 

• Childcare -  In my opinion, there is no better childcare than can be found in their homes.  From personal example, I have required childcare on a regular basis for two of my children.  The homes have no television sets, no radios, plenty of toys, and tons of love.  My youngest, who is 2 1/2, stays with a mom and her two daughters while I work.  He is happy to go there, and is treated like a member of the family when he is there.  She rocks him to sleep at naptime and nighttime.  In short, he is loved in her home; he is not simply a source of income. 
• Assistance - In the event that a natural disaster or any other type of calamity befalls the community or those around them, they are virtually first on the scene to offer assistance.In my life I have seen this put into action on a large scale several times. 
• Morality - This community has an incredibe sense of moral values, some of which it would not hurt the surrounding areas to adopt.  For example, honesty.  And, as with all other groups of people, there are those who push the boundaries and take the concept of honesty loosely.  But, as a rule, they will not lie to you, they will not cheat you.  
• Their marriages are based on "till death us do part" and they mean it when they say it.  They do not flee the home at the first sign of trouble.  Having said that, there are of course, instances in which a partner becomes abusive and then it is best to leave to ensure safety.
• Fathers are fathers.  Its very rare, indeed that a father does not take an active and loving role in his child's life.  A father does not cease being a father when the child leaves the home for marriage or other purposes.  

Growing up in the community and remaining enmeshed with the community due to familial relations and childcare needs, I primarily see the good vs. the negative in virtually each individual I come in contact with. 

It was my destiny to become a part of this community but I was pulled away by parents at the age of 10.  Life on the outside was a constant struggle for the first 10-20 years following.  It has since become easier as I have been able to shed some of the mindset which was so instilled into me in those short ten years.

In summary, it is best to look at both sides of every story.  Yes, there are negative aspects to this religious community; but I believe the positive far outweighs the negative. Is this not the same in communities around the world?

Religious Superiority?

Each of us has an outlook on life that is unique to us as individuals. Some of us go through life living by someone else’s rules, and others insist on making their own rules.  The majority of us are on a continuum between the two points. My personal outlook is light years away from what I was taught as a child.

I was raised in a very strict religious environment from birth to the age of 10.  Even after we left the “cult,” my parents’ values continued to be based on those which had been instilled in them through years of teaching a.k.a. brainwashing.  

This “cult” that I left as a child has many ideas or beliefs which I am not at ease with and, quite frankly, I am appalled that people still subscribe to this way of thinking. 

One example of a belief that I cannot understand is their attitude of religious superiority.  It makes me shudder because it is this very attitude that provokes them to send missionaries around the globe for ‘church planting.’  Africa seems to be a favorite destination, as if Africans in particular, are in need of religious assistance.  This is sending a strong message that they believe their religion is superior, and in turn implying that they are superior people.  Coincidentally or not, the missionaries being sent to Africa by this religious organization are inevitably white, and frequently ministering to non-whites.  To assume superiority, spoken or unspoken, based on religion or any other criteria is absolute poppycock. 

Another example of a practice I believe is incorrect is the breaking of a child’s spirit.  From infancy forward, a child is subject to the whims of the head of the household..   There are several methods in which this “breaking the spirit”  is accomplished.  Holding a child tight until they give in is one way.  Expecting young children to sit still and be quiet during the hour long church services, and spanking them if they do not is another way.  A child whose spirit has been broken is unable to think of themselves as an individual..

Another of their basic tenets which is repulsive is that women are “possessions” of men and men are the “head of the household.”  In their eyes, even though I was not a member of their community, Myrna Penner ceased to exist when I married.  Not only did I lose “Penner,’ I became Mrs. Mead, a possession of Kevin Mead.  I became Kevin’s wife.  Visiting our home meant that visitors were going to ‘Kevin’s” not to Kevin and Myrna’s.  Waiting for us at family gatherings became waiting for Kevin’s, not waiting for Kevin and Myrna.

The previous mindset ties right into their belief that men are the “stronger vessel” and by inference, if one is the stronger vessel, the other is weaker and somewhat inferior.  Women are taught to “submit” to their husbands, which can potentially put them in a highly dangerous situation if the man is on a power trip due to his perceived superiority.

At the time I began to think for myself and question such things as I have described above, every attempt was made by others to squelch my voice and break my spirit.  In some ways they succeeded, but that has only made me speak volumes louder later in life; as if to make up for the silence that was enforced in my earlier years.

I will not be silenced.

Down Fifty @ 43

Dear Readers:

Like the title says "Random Musings From the Past and Present."

For eight months now I've been blogging about random topics, whatever inspires me at the moment, but at the same time, trying to find a topic to focus my efforts on.

It seems I have found a subject that I can post regularly on and virtually never run out of topics.

Thus, I am beginning a second blog about my journey to lose fifty pounds. It is my intention that, along the way, this blog will become a healthy lifestyle and/or fitness blog, delving into topics which affect our physical health.

Five posts from "Blurb" have been transferred over to "Down Fifty @ 43," the new blog.

No worries, though, I will keep posting here as well; there is always something on my mind, always some burning issue for me to blog about.

And thank you to all of you who read my ramblings, it is my great pleasure to write and actually have someone read what I write.

Sincerely,

Myrna Penner RN BN

10 Parenting Tips Learned From My Children

Before I give you advice on how to parent your children, let me clarify a few important details.  I’ve already raised two children to adulthood and am currently raising a 2 ½ year old grandson.  That sentence alone should speak volumes. 

First, obviously something went awry if I’m raising a grandchild.  Second, I’ve got more experience with raising kids than just the toddler that I always blog about.  Experience has a way of teaching you more things that don’t work than things that do work.

And without further ado, here are my 10 parenting tips: 

1. Have lots of cheap or second hand clothes.  You may change your child’s clothes more times in a day than you ever knew possible.  Dirt has a way of attaching itself to your child’s clothing and every inch of your child. 
2. Have a sense of humor.  That should really be self-explanatory, but as a first time parent (23 years ago) that wasn’t the case.  Not everything they do is a predictor of future criminal activity or a sign of being a social misfit. 
3. Don’t worry.  Worry is a waste of time and gets you nowhere.  Whether you worry about your child or not, whatever is meant to happen is gonna happen.  Worrying will not keep your child from falling out of his highchair, or tripping on an invisible shoe on the floor.  If worrying was an effective protective barrier, none of my mothers children or grandchildren would ever have been injured.
4. Live close to a good Emergency Department.  Now that I’ve told you not to worry, I’m telling you to live close to a hospital.  Accidents will happen; some of them will be humorous in hindsight, others will be serious, but the majority will be minor. 
5. Don’t try to go anywhere in a hurry.  Its absolutely a waste of time.  You’ll end up taking longer than if you had gone with an attitude of patience.  Easier said than done, I know.  But it is possible.  I’m living proof; with the first two my life was always rush, rush, rush.  Now I’ve got a few more years behind me, and I know to start preparing early and to allow lots of extra time for mishaps or simply for stopping to smell the roses.  Plus, you’ll all be happier when you get wherever it was that you were going.
6. Enjoy your time with your children.  They are going to be young and exasperating only once and then you blink and they are full grown adults.  Take the time to enjoy them and their personalities.  I’m not suggesting that you enjoy the dirty diapers and sleepless nights, I’m simply suggesting that you enjoy their company as they grow faster than you could ever imagine.
7. Be prepared to give up a bit of yourself.  As a young (19) first-time mother, I thought that when I had a child I could be a mom when I was with him and then be a bar-hopping-social-butterfly when I was out with friends.  Not so at all.  I once spent a fair sum of money to come home from Europe a week early because I missed my son so much.  Your life will never be the same again, never.  A piece of your heart is inside every child.
8. Don’t expect quality moments to happen during quality time.  Quality moments happen during quantity time.  Stay at home moms around the world can attest to that fact.  Children need their parents’ time more than they need their parents’ money.
9. Be consistent.  When you say that you’re going to put them in a time-out if they throw something one more time, follow through.  Be fair, but also be consistent. Be reasonable but consistent.  Children then know what to expect if they behave in a particular manner and children need boundaries.
10. Shoes are not required.  This means that you do not need to protect your child from every possible danger in the world.  This also means that we, as parents, need to relax and let our child feel the warm grass beneath their feet in the summer sun.

These tips are somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but also very serious.  I am by no means a parenting expert, but these are some things I have learned on the journey called mommy-hood.

Summary

My very first attempt at blogging was short-lived and only lasted for two posts.  Life has a way of getting busy and overriding the things you need to do for yourself.  It was only six short weeks after I initially tried blogging that I found out Jen was pregnant with my first grandchild, Kev.

Life kind of spiralled out of control after that, my teen-age daughter was pregnant, I was working almost full time on D2, a love relationship started, Kev was born (what a happy day that was!), Jen had post-partum depression, Chris moved out with his girlfriend, I became Kev's guardian/mother, financial difficulties abounded, and Jen and I were butting heads constantly.

The first year of Kev's life was a very challenging one for all of us but I was determined that Kev should not feel any of its effects. The second year of his life started with a huge birthday party and lots of gifts, followed by his birth-mother's graduation from high school, and the end of my love relationship.  Jen and I were butting heads more as time went on. I wanted her to work and provide income for the household but since she wasn't employed until September, I insisted that she take care of Kev while I worked.  She did so, and with much greater ease than was evident a year previously. 

In September 2009 Kev began attending daycare in Winnipeg and had a full-time spot which he used only when I worked.  It was very rare that I brought him there when I was not working.  Jen had a job at this time and she picked him up on her way home from work on the days that he was there and rode the bus home with him.  I'd come home from work and he'd be fast asleep in his crib, having had a good supper that Jen cooked.

Just days prior to my 42nd birthday in October it became apparent that the anti-depressants that I'd been taking for 15 years (I started in 1993, just 5 months after my sister passed away) had abruptly stopped working.  More financial difficulties ensued as I had to take two weeks off of work in order switch from one med to another.  When the new meds entered my system and began to take effect my thinking became much clearer than it had been in years!

I realized that if Kev and I were going to be a family, and if Jen and I were ever going to salvage any sort of mother-daughter relationship we would have to live in separate homes.  It was then I decided to move back to the "country" with my son.

During my paid holidays in November I began purging my belongings in a way that I hadn't manage to do before in my lifetime.  I was throwing off the chains of the past and moving ahead for a brighter and lighter future.  I journalled, I cleaned, journalled some more, and then cleaned again.

December came around and I headed back to work on GD2 at Health Science Centre and told my unit manager that I was planning on leaving early in the new year.  She and my coworkers completely supported me in making this move and the corresponding life change. 

I started blogging again on X-mas Day  of 2009 and you already know the rest. 

But, just in case you missed it, here's some old posts which don't show up in my side bar to the left.

Night Shift and Stuff

A Confession

Random Thoughts From a Nurse on Break

Money Talk

A Day in the Life of a Nurse

Resolutions vs. Goals


My Regrets

For Rent: House #1

Night Shift

Baby Girl Leaves the Nest

Farewell Sony Ericson, Hello iPhone

Goal #1

Honesty From a Would Be Empty Nester

Cleaning Out Jennifer's Room

Quick Post ...

Scared and Worried

My New Home

Options in the Rental Market

Countdown

Emergency Room Nurse

More Details

First Day at Our New House

A Night on D2

The Morning After

Wednesday, With a Twist

Last Night Shift on GD2 - Orthopedics

Please Don't Feed The Nurses

Nurses spend an excessive amount of time on their feet, walking, standing, and occasionally running. You'd think that with all that activity our metabolisms would be on par with long distance runners and we'd have low bodyfat percentages.

Not so at all! Many nurses I know are slightly overweight and many are trying to lose a few pounds, myself included. There's a reason for that; it's a rare occasion that there is not some form of junk food on our tables and countertops.

Well meaning family members, grateful for the care their loved one is receiving or had received, bring boxes of chocolate, bags of chips, etc. It's rare that we receive a veggie platter or a fruit basket as a thank you gift and I'm not quite sure why that is.  Perhaps family members feel that we deserve a 'treat' and then get us junk food.  Well, it is a treat for us, and we inhale our treats as if we hadn't eaten in a month.

Its not that I'm ungrateful for the gifts we get from family members, not at all, we appreciate each and every gesture of appreciation.  It would just be much kinder for our health and our waistlines if you would bring us healthy treats vs. chocolate or donuts.

 Just for the record, I'm sure that I am not speaking on behalf of all nurses; I'm sure there are those who prefer the junk food treats and then I'm sure there are those who feel that we should be happy with whatever gift we get.  But I can assure you that regardless of the edible gift you bring us as a team will get eaten asap.

Homelessness in Steinbach

Following my previous post, I did a quick internet search using “Steinbach” and ‘homeless” as my search criteria.

Most of the results directed me to someone named Steinbach who was either writing about the homeless or advocating for homeless somewhere in California.

In a blog post from 2009, someone wrote that there were 3-5 homeless people in Steinbach, a long way from the alleged 82 in 2010. Another site stated that the number rises sharply in summer and added that our park benches become beds at night.

The majority of the sites simply mentioned homelessness in passing like it was a dirty word.

Interestingly, there were plenty of sites urging the community to assist the humane society in caring for homeless pets.

Upon first hearing that there were homeless in Steinbach, my first reaction was disbelief, and then amazement. How can a town that is this wealthy have homeless? Is there not enough wealth present in this rich community to ensure that we don’t have this issue?

My biggest question is not directly related to finances, but related more to the religious concentration in this town. There is a church on every street corner, many of which have missionaries in numerous exotic locations around the world. Why is it necessary to send people out of the country to improve the lives of others when there are lives to be improved on right here? Shouldn’t we take care of our own homes and town first?

Note that I am not referring to any of the homeless who have chosen to be homeless, if there are in fact, any of those included in this number. Nor am I referring to the ones who refuse any type of assistance. When I refer to the “homeless,” I am referring to those who are legitimately without a place to live and those who would genuinely appreciate a non-condescending form of assistance.

Homelessness in Steinbach and other locations is a much larger social issue than I could even begin to address here; the concerns and contributing factors to homelessness are endless. Rather than each individual being to blame, it is a system that has failed.

Since I’m sort of new to blogging, and totally new to actually addressing a social issue, I’m a bit afraid of offending the wrong people, or people laughing at my opinion, and so on, having not yet developed a thick enough skin to withstand harsh criticism. Regardless, please comment, tell me what you think about this issue, imaginary or not.

Thanks for reading.

82 Homeless in Steinbach

Steinbach has 82 homeless; for real?!

First, you’re probably wondering where that information comes from, right? I heard it at work and my source shall remain nameless. Apparently there is someone out there who cares enough to keep stats on them.

Second, you’re likely wondering, if this is true, why does Steinbach have homeless? I’d like to know the answer to that one, too.

Third, have you ever seen a homeless person in Steinbach? I haven’t. Do they really exist? Are they Steinbach’s dirty little secret?

Fourth, is this information true? I can’t say for sure; perhaps its one of those urban legends.

If you have any insight into this subject, please enlighten me. In the meantime, I’m gonna do a little research.

Single Grandparent

It seems there are support groups in existence for nearly every imaginable purpose, but I have yet to see one for Single Grandparents. Granted, its not a common phenomenon, but there are special and unique circumstances and situations we deal on a daily basis. This “isolation” from those in a situation similar to mine makes me wonder how others are coping and what strategies they use for coping.

The biggest issue for me regarding this topic is one that I mentioned to a co-worker at night while we were winding down from our gong show of a shift. Who do I tell when Kev does something really cute, or really naughty (yes, he has his naughty moments), or when he hits a new developmental milestone?

In a traditional home situation the caregiver could tell the work-outside-the-home parent about the child’s day, be it good or bad. Then perhaps a call to the grandparents on either side and do a little bit of bragging about what their grandchild had done. Loving and involved mothers and fathers and grandparents love to hear these little tidbits of news, regardless of how mundane they are

When Kev does something really silly (every 5 minutes) or something super naughty (not often) or when he does something developmentally new, who do I tell?; There is no biological father in the picture, and therefore no second set of grandparents. The next obvious step would be for me to tell my husband/partner, but I don't have anyone to fill that job description. With Jen's dad (Kev's Grandpa) living in Alberta and not involved in Kev’s life, that’s not a realistic option.

Kev's birth mother verbalizes an interest in Kev's life, but I don't feel obligated to regale her with stories of his everyday life, as communication between us has been somewhat strained for the past few months. In my eyes, it is not enough to express interest in a child, you need to demonstrate that interest.

When Chris and Jen were young I could tell my Mom the stuff they did and for a few years I could count on Marj to listen and give pertinent advice if needed. It may be harsh to say this, but telling my Mom stuff these days takes up more energy than its worth. First she has to be able to hear what you're saying, then she has to be able to understand and make sense of what I've said. It’s a rare occasion that a story only needs to be told to her once.

In a sense I feel somewhat isolated in my role as Kev's Mom, but perhaps that is a self-imposed feeling or role. I share his achievements with my friends and relatives on Facebook and most often get a very positive response. My nieces are raising children the age of Kev, so when I see them we talk for hours about what our children are doing or not doing. Co-workers (both on D2 and now NU1) frequently ask about Kev.

My biggest confidante in raising Kev is his babysitter. With no one else have I shared so many details on Kev’s day to day life (right down to the consistency of what’s in his dirty diapers!). I have shared with her my attitudes and ideas about raising children and she knows Kev’s likes and dislikes as well as I do. She loves that boy like her own and rocks him to sleep when I am working.

In summary, there are challenges to being a single grandparent, primarily the feeling of not being able to share the love and joy of Kev with another adult who loves him like I do. While it is a challenge and sometimes isolating, I don't feel as if I'm whining or complaining about the situation. After all, this is my reality. My choices brought me here and the challenges I've presented are easily surmountable. I have yet to meet a challenge that cannot be beaten.

Tell me about your parenting experiences and/or challenges. How do you deal with certain situations?