Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ten Easy Steps to Gain Forty Pounds

This is an instructional post for those of you who are interested in putting on some extra padding for our cold winters and summers.

The first step is crucial and life altering. Do NOT miss this step. While at work find an object to “accidentally” hit your head on. In order for this step to be effective you must connect your head to the object at a very high rate of speed. Once you have completed this step, go sit down and cry. Do not listen to your co-workers when they tell you to go visit the emergency room. When your hearing starts to get fuzzy, then admit that maybe you should go visit the nice nurses in emerg. When the triage nurse starts to fill out a worker’s comp form, laugh and say, “oh this is nothing, I’m only here cuz they made me come down.” When the nurse does your vital signs, hit your head one more time on the safety glass for good measure, just in case the previous whack wasn’t enough. While waiting to be seen by neurology, give a sigh of relief because you get to sit down after being on your feet for eight hours straight. After being seen and told that there is nothing wrong with you, go back to your ward and get back to work. Let someone else take over the charge nurse responsibilities because you are feeling a bit woozy. At the end of the shift cry because you can’t find oxygen tubing, even though you go get oxygen tubing every day and know damn well where it is. Then, when giving report, make inappropriate jokes (more inappropriate than is normal for even you!) and say terrible things about patients and coworkers (even though this is something you never do). Cry copiously for the entire fifteen minutes that you are giving report. When your son arrives to pick you up from work, cry all the way home, even though you have no idea why you are crying. (True story. It cost me 11 months of work.)

The second step is a bit more insidious. Instead of following the strict meal plan that you were on, instead of even gradually introducing a fuller diet, begin eating things that you don’t normally eat, saying “just this once won’t hurt.” Do this for about a year. By now you should have gained at least ten pounds. Exercise a little during this time, but don’t overdo it, you want to be sure to gain the proper amount of weight.

The third step is to somehow find yourself becoming a grandmother way before you ever expected. Once that baby is born, you will not want to leave the house to go to the gym because the baby is way to cute to leave in anyone else’s care. And the house may fall apart if you are gone for two hours. This will help you avoid many gym visits. Having a baby in the house is also helpful in keeping things so busy that you will not have time to cook healthy foods, so you eat whatever is quickest, or you could just drive down the road to Mcdonalds.

The fourth step is optional, but I included this one in my plan just to ensure that I gained at least forty pounds. Have a boyfriend. Keep yourself busy with the boyfriend and the baby. Spend at least 8 hours a week in the car driving back and forth from your residence to the boyfriend’s. This gives you the opportunity to eat fast food in the car and to drink plenty of Tim Horton’s coffee/iced latte/cappuccino. Don’t skimp on the caloric intake.

The fifth step, and my favorite step, whenever you get up at night to feed the baby from step three, or even if you’re up just to go pee, make a side trip to the kitchen and binge on whatever is there that you are craving. Peanut butter, sugary cereal, cookies, etc. Its important that you do this each time you get up at night, even if you are up 4 times. The more you can eat the better. Eating white carbs at night is optimal for weight gain.

Step six, because you are afraid that you may not make your forty pound goal in the limited amount of time, ensure that you are under a lot of stress in all areas of your life. Stress is very helpful with weight gain. Do not try to eliminate any stressors, do not listen to suggestions from friends and family, but keep adding more stress.

Step seven, even though you’ve foolishly invested in a jogging stroller, don’t bother using it. That would only help you if you were trying to lose 40 pounds. What you’re trying to do here is gain weight.

Another favorite is the 8th step, drink gallons and gallons of diet coke made with aspartame. Not only is this very good for your body, it also makes you crave sweet and sugary things. Ignore those who tell you that water is the best thing to drink. They obviously are trying to jeopardize your efforts because they are jealous.

We’ve almost reached the end of this little tutorial.

Step nine, while at work, make sure you eat a large portion of the chocolates and sweets that patients families bring in for the nice nurses (you are now one of the nice nurses because your head is fixed). If you are worried that other nice nurses may come and steal your chocolates, stand right by the box and stuff as many as you can into your mouth. Another thing you can do while you are at work is hide in the kitchen and eat all the little peanut butter packets that come with the breakfast trays. Each one has 100 calories and is filled with sugar, and is bound to help with your weight gain.

The tenth step is possibly the most difficult step but very important to your goal. If you are foolish enough to own a gym membership, just don’t use it.

And as a bonus, I’ve included an eleventh step. Personally, I didn’t really need to use this step in my mission to pack on the pounds, but I thought I would do it for science. Pretend you are going to bake cookies and mix a batch of cookie dough. You must sample it at each step to ensure that the dough is edible. Then put the dough in the fridge to chill. When you get up at night and go down to the kitchen for your nightly snack that I mentioned earlier, eat a large portion of the chilled cookie dough. The best thing you can do for your family is to eat ALL the cookie dough that you are chilling to make cream cheese cookies for family xmas gatherings. You don’t want your family to gain as much weight as you.

Once you have gained forty pounds and added this weight to your frame, you will be able to pack away 90% of your clothes because you don’t fit into them anymore. That’s a good thing. Once you are down to one outfit life will be so much simpler because you won’t have to decide what to wear. Even only one or two pairs of scrub pants will be optimal, because this way people always know what to expect you to be wearing when you come to work.

There are many bonuses to having the extra weight to carry around, but that is for a later post. Who ever tells you they feel better about themselves when they are in good shape is lying. They obviously have no clue how fabulous it feels and looks to have forty extra pounds to carry around with them every day.

Only an Hour

Its 0441 and I’m not very wide awake and working. Well, perhaps I should say I’m at work. To say I’m working would be a bit misleading. The clients are all sleeping and the hospital is quiet and peaceful. It’s night two of three for me.

Before going any further, let me explain something. When I work nights, I sleep during the day. Obviously I cannot have Kevy at home while I’m sleeping, he’s just not old enough to be left to his own devices while I sleep the day away. Rather, he stays at the sitter for the nights, and the days following the nights. For me to work a three night stretch he spends almost 72 hours at the sitter. Its almost physically painful for me to do that, but it has to be done. Thank goodness it only happens twice every six weeks! It could be much worse; I could be working a rotation that was all nights.

Anyhow, on the way to work earlier in the evening, I stopped in at the babysitter’s home, as previously arranged, and spent an hour with Kevy. I opened the door without knocking and I saw a body hurtling in my direction; he launched himself off the stairs and threw himself into my arms and wrapped himself around my neck and my waist. “Gramma! Gramma!” I nearly cried.

We browsed through the Canadian Tire flyer that I had brought in for precisely that purpose. He oohed and aahed over everything and we’ve now decided that we would like to go camping, get a pool, a water trampoline, and buy a black garden tractor, preferably all at the same time. Just the feel of him on my lap and the sweetness of his voice is enough to heal the tiredness from a too-short sleep.

The babysitter fed me supper; ribs and pasta salad. I swear she’s trying to fatten me up so they can eat me. Yesterday she prepared a plate of kjeilke and sipple fat. Yummy! I’ll have to start saying no to her food, but its soooooo good! No wonder Kevy won’t eat my food, its not a quarter as good as hers! And I swear he gains two pounds every time he goes there!

Her daughter and I looked through her scrapbooking supplies and she showed me the cards she is planning to sell at my garage sale. We agreed that a visit to Michael’s (the biggest craft store in the city) was in order for Saturday.

The other daughter showed me the sign she had made and asked me if $0.50 was too much for a glass of lemonade. She’s going to be selling lemondade and cherry lemonade at my garage sale.

I love those girls for all the time they spend with Kevy and all the playing they do with him. The scrapbooking daughter lets Kevy play with her supplies when she is scrapbooking. I’m not sure that I would be trusting enough to do that.

After the hugs, the flyer, the food, and the scrapbooking, my hour was up and it was time to head to work. It was without a doubt the best hour of my day. How my priorities have changed since his arrival!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Living Single

Once upon a time I had a husband, but that was a long time ago. Hes now happily married to a wonderful woman.

And, once upon a time I had a boyfriend. Well, a few of them actually. Not all at the same time, of course. That was also a long time ago, almost in another life time. When I met him (the last boyfriend) I told him that if it didnt work out between us that I wouldnt be trying out any other relationships. He would be the last one.

That was 3 years ago.

And, no, this blog is not all about “him,” its about the happy evolution of my happily single life. If this blog was all about “him,” it would be a lot shorter. Not a lot to say about “him.”

Since July or June of last year (2010) Ive been single. The very fact that I dont even know the month of my break up is a huge indicator of how much I really dont care. I can remember the date and the exact time that my marriage ended. I can remember the date that the divorce became final. Those were important days cuz I had invested eight years and one child in that relationship.

But this blog is not about past relationships, it is about the future, the limitless possibilities of the future.

In the past Ive written a few posts about goals and goal setting and values and so on. And Ive spent some time (most of my life) waiting for the right man to rescue me from my pitiful single plight (dripping sarcasm).

When I last reviewed my goals, I set some new ones. Not all of my goals are quantifiable, the one Im referring to is based mostly on how I feel. This goal is the direct opposite of what the goal for many single women is. Instead of having a goal of “meeting Mr. Right,” my goal is to “be single and enjoy it.” That means Im no longer looking for a man, Im looking for ways to enjoy being single, looking for the values in being a single Grandma.

For all you happily married and happily involved people, you may not understand this or even agree with this. Thats okay.

Being single, I decided my own agenda, my own values, my own residence… basically I decide everything on my own. It goes without saying, of course, that Kevin is taken into consideration for any decisions.

Im stubborn so making decisions on my own is much easier than trying to compromise and make decisions with someone else. That could be one of the reasons Im divorced.

Being single, I am finding out who I am. In having relationships, and being involved with someone else, I forget who I am and what I value. I become so absorbed in pleasing the other person and wanting to be good enough for them that I cease to exist, but the suffocation is of my own doing.

It is my 20-20 hindsight that has prompted me to decide that I do not want an endless parade of men in Kevins life. The values it teaches him are not values I would like for him to have; and the distraction that a man would be is just not worth it. I am choosing instead, to give myself and Kevin my full attention, making our lives the best they can be in every regard.

In some ways, work may be my relationship at this point in my life, as it is the only thing that keeps me away from a child that I would love to be raising as a stay at home mom. I couldnt imagine where in my life I would find time to schedule in a man; our time is just too busy. And, yes, I often say that Kevin needs more male influence in his life cuz hes surrounded by girls most of the time, but its better that hes surrounded by love than to have a parent who is distracted by a suitor.

The pattern of past relationships with the major male figures in my life has not been stellar. There have been many alcoholics, and all have been emotionally unavailable. All have been addicts in one form or another; one was a gambler. Most of them have been abusive in some way. Ive been abused in every way possible at some point in my life. I can honestly say that there has not been a healthy romantic relationship with a man in my lifetime. So what makes me think that the next relationship will be healthy? Its not a likely scenario, so Ill be single and thrive instead of partnered and merely surviving.

Disclaimer: I am not ruling out ever having another relationship, simply stating that Ive got a lot of work to do before Im ready to try again.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Weather and Politics

Working at night sometimes leads the mind down avenues untraveled in daylight hours, likely because the brain is overtired and not firing on all cylinders. The last night shift I worked was one of those nights.

And for all of you concerned about confidentiality, just because I happen to be referencing work, does not mean this is about work. This is actually completely unrelated to work, so don't get your panties all in a knot and start bringing up PHIA.

Weather and politics seem quite unrelated but my poor tired brain grasped onto a common thread, likely since it was the night just following our federal election and also right after our, ahem, "blizzard."

First, I noticed that when we had the misfortune to receive snow in May, everyone was bitching and moaning like their life was coming to an end. Hello! We live in Canada, Manitoba to be more precise. This may not happen every year but it happens often enough that it should come as no surprise when it happens. Why is everyone so horrified every time it happens?

My point is that complaining about the weather is futile; no amount of swearing at the snow, shaking your fist at the sky, or whining on Facebook will make the snow stop, or make it melt any quicker. There is simply nothing you can do about the weather. Period.

Second, the federal election also caused a fair bit of uproar. Again, there is nothing you can do about the outcome of the election. Being angry because "your" party or candidate was not elected won't change the results. And if you didn't vote, you don't even have the right to complain about the majority government. For the purpose of this post I am referring to those who did not vote.

You're likely wondering about the common thread here; well, like I said, it was my tired brain, likely overstimulated by my coworkers extra-strength coffee, that came up with this similarity.

We complain (and by we, I am not including myself) about the weather and politics, usually non-stop. Its too hot, its too cold, the government sucks, etc etc etc. Complaining will not change the weather or politics. Let me repeat that, complaining will NOT change the weather or politics. You're wasting your breath and your time .

Unless you are willing to get into politics yourself and try and make a difference in the world, stop complaining.

Unless you have the power to change the weather, or you are able to move to a more appealing climate, zip it.

It may be the right of every Canadian to voice their unhappiness regarding the weather and the political situation, but I refuse (most of the time) to participate.



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Chaotic Family

I’ll be the first to admit we’re not your average family.

Nor are we a “normal” family.

We love each other and that’s what matters.

There’s me, the head of the chaos. Then there’s Chris, Child #1. Jen, Child #2. And Kev, Child #3. Doesn’t sound so abnormal, does it?

There’s a twist to this story. There is no Mr. Me. There’s just me. There has been a Mr. Me, but not for a long time. So its me, and the three offspring.

That’s one twist to the story. There’s a second twist. Child #3 is the child of Child #2. That makes him my grandson and not my son, biologically speaking.

Child #1 does not live with me. Child #2 and Child #3 live under my roof, for now. Child #2 is moving out and Child #3 is staying with me. I’m the parent to all three children, but not the biological parent of Child #3. I’m his parent in every other way, though. He calls me “Grandma.” He calls Child #2 “Mommy.”

Child #3 calls Child #1 “Uncle Chris,” which is completely normal. What’s abnormal is that they are being raised by the same Mother, except that one calls me “Mom” and the other calls me “Grandma.”

Confused yet? I’m not. It’s a chaos of my own making, my family. I love my family. I love that Child #3 is not being “protected” from the truth of his birth; that he will grow up knowing that he grew in Child #2’s tummy and that “Grandma” is his mom. I love that he won’t get a nasty surprise when he’s “old enough to know the truth.” He will always have known the truth.

Child #1 and Child #2 do not share the same biological father. They have known this all their lives. Yet I never told them this. It was just a fact. It was talked about openly and without pretense of embarrassment.

If I had to tell them now that they did not share the same biological father, it may well be catastrophic. Better to grow up with the truth than with secrets and discover the truth later.

I make no apologies for my “abnormal” family. I chose this life and I chose all my children. Child #1, Child #2, and Child #3. I love them all equally and without question, wishing them happiness in life and may they find as much love as I’ve found in my chaotic family.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Moving On

So now we know; Jen got the job she's been interviewing for over the past few weeks. First an interview, then wait. Another interview, then wait again. Then a third and final interview. And suspense and a feeling of uncertainty for Jen.

On the way to work I called Jen at work to ask if she could please watch Kevy in the morning while I slept. She replied by saying "Sure, whatever is best for you." I almost drove off the road in my state of shock, but I quickly recovered and asked why she was being so nice. "Oh, I've only got a week and a half left."

That was how I found out she got the job.

The job is as a 'key holder' at Bluenotes in St. Vital. She's been working at Clearspring's Bluenotes since October and has been doing very well.

However, having an adult child move back home is a challenging situation at best. Our particular situation has a lot of extra challenges thrown in and as soon as Jen began recovering from the depression that necessitated her move home, it became apparent that this could not be a permanent arrangement.

When the possibility of a transfer to Winnipeg opened up for her, we were both excited; we both know that we can't be together under the same roof anymore. We're just much to much alike!!

So, in about ten days, she'll move to Winnipeg and begin a new chapter in her life. Kevy and I will stay in Steinbach for now and keep doing what we've been doing. And I'll mull over the city vs country question. Sigh. That's a tough decision.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

An Ounce of Prevention ...

...is worth a pound of cure.

Nowhere is this more true than when it comes to our bodies. Waiting till illness strikes to abruptly change our habits in the hopes that we can cure ourselves, is pure idiocy.

The way to cure illness is to prevent it before it starts. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy. For goodness sake, don't smoke. Many ills could be cured by omitting only this habit. If you smoke, quit. And if you have a respiratory disease and you smoke, now's a good time to quit. It likely won't help a heck of a lot, but just quit anyway.

If you're obese, don't sit on your ass watching TV and eating junk food and clogging your arteries. Doing that takes away your right to complain about obesity related diseases. You caused it, now deal with it.

Yeah, I'm opinionated when it comes to health issues. And yes, I'm an offender just like everyone else.

But seriously people, we wreck our bodies of our own free will and then go crying and wailing to the nearest doctor or hospital. We have free healthcare in this country, paid for with our tax dollars.

Why then, do those who care for their bodies support those who do everything in their power to abuse their bodies? It seems somewhat unbalanced at times, in my opinion.

Those who rely heavily on the tax dollars of others and do nothing to improve their health status despite being educated on how to do so; should we continue to financially support their illness?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Lot of Nothing

It's 0100, five hours into a twelve hour night shift. My paperwork is done and most clients are currently asleep.

What's on my mind tonight? Either a lot of nothing or a lot of minor issues cuz there's nothing in particular on my mind, it seems. It's the last of three long nights; I just want it to be morning so I can pick up my favorite gremlin from the sitter and go home. Four days off sounds like a long time, but they always pass so quickly.

A patient asked me what I would do on my time off; I really have no specific plans. There is housework to do, yardwork to start, food to cook, and groceries to shop for. I'd like to spend at least one day in the city, visiting my oldest son and shopping for groceries. Maybe a little bit of window shopping, too.

It's Easter weekend and my family of origin has nothing planned. We used to get together so often as a family for absolutely no reason. The past few years it's been such a struggle to plan get togethers cuz the family is becoming larger and larger each year. Marriages, births, etc. Family members are moving away and going away to do mission work. It's virtually impossible to get everyone together for a gathering.

So, yeah, there's not a lot on my mind. I'm just tired and looking forward to seeing Kevy in the morning.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Home Is Where The Heart Is

What a trite statement! But oh so true!

I've been living the rural life for 13 months now; deep in the Bible Belt of Manitoba. Assimilation has not yet begun, as I was somewhat afraid of. The more relaxed pace of life appeals to me. Nursing in a 21 bed rural hospital appeals to me. Childcare here is above any childcare I've ever been privy to in the city. Family is nearby and the convenience of impromptu visits is a privilege. There are many reasons I'm enjoying living here. Switching from one rural facility to another seems to have made a huge difference in my outlook.

But, my 23 year old son lives in the city, and it has not escaped my attention that I moved away from him a year ago. A long complicated tale involving my 19 year old daughter should be inserted here, but it's too long. Regardless, she is returning to live in the city as soon as she possibly can. That means two of my three children will be residing there, while I am residing here.

My two older children have a father living in another city in another province who has essentially forgotten their existence. It breaks my heart to see that he does not call on birthdays or send cards or gifts.

I'm afraid that if I live far away from them (only an hour!) they'll feel that I'm abandoning them as well. I could never do that!

Adult children do not need physical care from parents, and mine do not seem to want a lot of emotional care. Regardless, I feel I need to be near them, in the same city. In the same province is not good enough for me!

My grown children have passed the formative years; beyond the years where I could influence the outcome of their lives. Decisions made now are made as independent adults, no longer requiring mom's blessing or permission.

Kevy, my 3 year old, requires plenty of physical care and his formative years are ongoing. My #1 priority in life at this point is to provide him with a stable home environment, complete with lots of love and all the other characteristics that make a good home. Part of that plan includes plenty of outside play and very minimal electronic entertainment. In my mind country living is more conducive to that type of life than city life is.

And there is my dilemma. I want to do the right thing by my children, all of them, and the right thing for myself.