To Protect This Heart

The name for this post just kind of randomly popped into my head while I was sitting here trying to decide what I felt like writing about.

I'm not quite sure where it came from, but I know what it means. It literally means "to protect my heart." Protect it from what, I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect it has to do with the opposite sex.

Its no secret that I'm divorced. But that is not the single causative issue for me to feel the need to protect myself. Before my ex-husband entered the picture there were numerous relationships, none of them good ones. And before that, there is a history of abuse that reaches back to childhood.

Every now and again these issues come back up and beg me to deal with them, so I deal with them as best as I know how and think I'm done with them for good. Each time its a bit longer till they come back to haunt me once more and each time they come back they demand less attention.  I continue to hope someday they'll stay gone for good.

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into details about the past, I won't mention any names, and I won't point any fingers. Funny, the things that were done to me would be considered criminal offenses in this day and age. But in my younger years, I was blamed for what happened to me and simply told to "stay away from those boys" and "well, you were a cute little girl." These events have had an immeasurable effect on my life, possibly because I truly believed until my mid-twenties that it really was my fault.

Despite being armed with the knowledge that I was not to blame for these events, I continued to treat myself as if I was worthless and in turn allowed others to treat me as if I were worthless.

Within myself I know I am a wonderful, loving, intelligent, and caring person with many positive traits. In virtually every area of my life I behave this way and others treat me likewise. However, there is one area of my life in which I continue to make irrational choices and allow myself to be treated like a "side dish" rather than an "entree." Possibly a poor analogy, but painfully accurate.

I wonder what its like to be in love, truly in love, and to have a partner love me in the same way. I wonder what its like to be in a mutually respectful relationship. I wonder what its like to be treated as a partner, not a plaything. I wonder what its like to be admired and respected and loved by the person you are intimate with. And I wonder if there is someone with whom I will no longer feel the need to protect myself.